Friday, December 02, 2005

What Hath Montgomery Street to Do with The Castro?

Something has gone wrong with my gaydar.

For a straight man, my gaydar works fairly well, perhaps aided by the fact that I like to cook and make catty comments about people's clothes. But today I was shocked by two things.

First I learned that some of the bribes received by disgraced Congressman Randy Cunningham were... Antiques! His stash included a 19th Century Louis Phillipe commode of all things. I mean if my congressman was caught with something like this, it would make sense, but not a true manly man like Cunningham.

But reading further, I learned that my gaydar was still intact. It seems that Cunningham liked to use his yacht, another perk of his corruption, to entertain the ladies:
"...he would change into pajama bottoms and a turtleneck sweater to entertain them with chilled champagne by the light of his favorite lava lamp."
Trust me on this. It's not the presence of the ladies that affirms Cunningham's heterosexuality. It's that no gay man would ever combine a lava lamp with a t-neck and pajamas.

The second bit of news came as a bit of a shock. James Dobson has declared that my bank, Wells Fargo, is gay. Or at least too gay friendly. Yesterday, Dobson bravely announced that his organization, Focus on the Family, was severing ties with Wells because "... their corporate headquarters is (sic) in San Francisco, and they are heavily committed to the gay and lesbian agenda." I had no idea.

I mean, I know they're centered in San Francisco. I've toured their museum on the first floor of their headquarters building, and I can assure that the museum showed no homosexual influence. I know there was that guy who worked at the Wells branch in the supermarket that we use sometimes (the branch, not the guy - shame on you), but it seems to me that more than a few young guys who work at bank branches play for the other team, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, this comes as a real shock.

I guess I should honor Dr. Dobson for his bold and principled stand. I've thought a lot about corporate responsibility lately, and have wondered how my spending and investments should reflect my concerns about the environment, child labor, Sudan, Tom DeLay, sustainable agriculture and the like. But I haven't given much thought to withholding my business from a company because that company wants to sell products and services to homosexuals. I somehow thought that those other issues, because the effect the quality of life for millions and millions of people, should matter more. But I guess they don't.

So thank you, Dr. Dobson. I'll never look at my ATM card the same way again.


PS. Perhaps we should all boycott Blogger as well. The spellcheck feature recognizes "homosexuality" but not "heterosexuality". And aren't they headquartered in the San Francisco Bay area? Hmm.

4 comments:

Aaron C said...

If I had a nickel for everytime James Dobson said something or someone was gay, I would have a million dollars, but I would have to keep that under my mattress.
p.s. Go Chris, two goals?

an said...

Wow. Seriously, wow.

Jeff said...

First I lose the Teletubbies and now I have to change banks? Next thing you know I'll have to stop watching Sportscenter because they have a gay guy that does Trey Wingo's makeup.

Captain GoBart said...

Perhaps this is the religious conservatives' version of the religious liberals' divestment strategy. Since Caterpillar sells tractors to Israel, my own denomination is seeking to divest itself from Caterpillar stock. Is this a fair comparison? Just sayin'.